Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
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*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I falcon love using swear birds
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal