“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
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me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no