I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.