there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.