I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
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Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Just this preview of the story is enough
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd