Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
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Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did