It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
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It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?