Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
my name if I was in the mob
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.