My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
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I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
yeah no that’s fair
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.