Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
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Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Nice try, poison.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.