Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
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If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.