[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
You Might Also Like
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Good boy 😂😂
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.