People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
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[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
[at the general store]
me: one general please
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.