Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.