The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
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Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
How high do the levels go?
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this