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It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?