When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
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Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.