If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
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*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.