Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
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I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Whoa 😂
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab