Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
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i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?