Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
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It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.