Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
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My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.