Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?