God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family