I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
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Hitlers gonna hitl
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny