Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
You Might Also Like
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
why I oughta
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Wait a minute…
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers