“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
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me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto