In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
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I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
OH. COME. ON.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.