“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
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Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
BRAKING NEWS!!
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Europe. Made in Germany.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair