“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
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Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I am patiently waiting for your email
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.