Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
no cat here
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.