Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
You Might Also Like
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes