I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
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Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them