[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
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toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front