Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
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betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: