snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
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Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.