I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
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Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.