Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
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me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?