Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.