me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
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godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”