Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
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i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves