Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
You Might Also Like
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
*pokes sex life with a stick
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.