Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.