Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Y’all ready for this
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me too door. Me too.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same