*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
You Might Also Like
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.