ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
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“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Discuss
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Butt weight. There’s more!
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.