gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
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Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?