Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
You Might Also Like
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Sounds like a bargain
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
sensitive skin
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?