Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
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Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Sharon, call the vet
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?