A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
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Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.